my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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