He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
