sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
