it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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