My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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