so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
