When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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