Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
