you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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