I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
