I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
