First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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