Umm I'm too high to move.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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