I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
