I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
