You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
