if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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