This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Boobs speak an international language.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
