Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
