Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
