Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
