He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
