What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
