when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
