i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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