look no pants
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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