fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
