five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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