And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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