who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
