I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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