Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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