I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
