oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
