is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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