mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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