alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
