just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
