In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
