i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm determined to sit on that face.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
