I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
