remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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