dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
This is classic penis vs brain.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
