note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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