if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
