Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
