I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
