i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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