Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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