I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
