they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
