my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
