she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
